Well, now they’ve gone and done it. Invaded the last bastion of privacy. We’re supposed to be having “Green Sex.” What is that you ask? Well, you should be using “environmentally friendly” adult toys with “clean energy sources”, your paddles should be harvested “from sustainable lumber sources”, we’re supposed to use organic massage oils, make sure that any lubricants haven’t been tested on animals, wear organic lingerie, and give up the PVC dominatrix fetish wear.
Let’s tear this apart for a minute. What’s the clean energy source for an adult toy? The only thing I can come up with is a hamster on a wheel. “Run! Sparky, RUN!” Seriously, I just don’t see how you can make that work. No wonder these treehuggers are so tweeked out. They’re not having any fun. Guess that’s why they try so hard to make the rest of us miserable. I’m sorry, but a proper device of this type should cause rolling brown-outs across the power grid.
We’ll skip on to the “environmentally friendly” part. They’re all plastic – for hygiene reasons. What are we supposed to use? More of the “sustainable lumber”? Can you say, “I don’t want splinters there, thanks.” Oh, wait…no, they’re recommending glass. Hmmm….maybe the splinters aren’t so bad after all.
Paddles? *Eye Roll* Owwww. If my husband ever shows up with a paddle, regardless of it’s composition or ecological friendliness, he may well end up with a paddle somewhere he doesn’t want it. I’m sure that I can use the organic massage oil and eco-friendly lube to put it there.
Organic massage oils? Wait…isn’t that, well, cooking oil – corn oil, olive oil, canola oil? Someone help me because I’m having a bad visual here. That seems a bit…slippery. You guys might not remember the Slip-N-Slide. I do and this isn’t pretty.
Wait…I’m supposed to put lube…well…there….and you want ME to be the test subject??? You don’t know what this stuff is going to do but I’m supposed to use it on the most sensitive and delicate part of my body? Gals have to put out the “Closed for Repairs” sign often enough without using something that I don’t know is 100% safe. If that takes a few fluffy bunnies, that’s a price my…well, I’m willing to pay. I don’t know what you guys are smoking, but if you seriously think I’m gonna use something you can’t promise me is safe, you better send some of it over. Because that’s what it’s gonna take.
Organic lingerie…well, they list a few sites. The first one is GreenKnickers. Yea! Granny panties….yeah, that’ll rev my husband’s engine. They’re also not as “organic” as they claim to be since they use elastic which is generally made from petrochemicals. The next site is Buenostyle. How nice, they put an artificial fiber – Lycra – in their products. Real organic there guys! And they’re still not all that attractive. Ewwww….. When you make something that’s actually organic and can be sold at Fredrick’s of Hollywood, call me. I’ll think about it. Until then, you’re just selling me the same underwear I can get at Target for 12 times as much money. That means I can only afford 1/12 of the panties which means I’d have to wear them more than once before the week is up. Ewwww…..yeah, that’s attractive. (end sarcasm, for those of you that didn’t pick up on that).
Now for the last one – giving up the PVC dominatrix wear. Ok, so this one won’t be too hard to do. PVC is hot and sweaty anyway. Not, mind you, that this bunch of PETA freaks is any more in favor o leather. And it’s not like I go prancing around the house in a PVC corset and thigh high boots anyway. I trip quite well enough in my own fuzzy socks much less some giagantic platform high heeled boots. I can see the trip to the ER now.
“Hey, Doc…I got a couple of problems going on here and…uh….never mind the outfit. Can you get the splinters and broken glass out of my cooch? While you’re down there, see what you can do about that rash, will ya? Oh and you’d better strap me to exam table because I might slide off.” I think I’ll just stick with what I have now, thank you very much.