Weird Questions for the Universe….

This is one of my earlier posts and I’m adding to it now, because I’ve decided that I’d like to keep a running count of my questions for the universe. 

This is possibly the most urgent question facing modern society and I’ll bet none of you have ever seen it. 

I really want someone to answer this.  We live in an age of microwave ovens that produce hot meals in minutes.  I can use my cell phone to attach to a sattelite to speak to a friend on the other side of the planet.  We film the depths of the ocean, finding new creatures thousands of miles below the surface.  We send out space probes to flim planets millions of miles away.  We clone animals and genetically engineer plants.

With all this technology at our disposal, why is it that no one seems to be able to make a pad that will a) stay in place and b) not stick to my behind?

Bueller?  Bueller?

This one little thing would be a vast improvment in the daily existence of 52% of the world’s population.  Is anyone doing anything about it?  Noooo….they want to save the whales.  Unless I can use whales to make a better pad, maybe they deserve to go extinct.  Callous?  Maybe…but I have PMS and guess what…yeah…I gotta go peel the little bugger off my butt. 

While we’re on the subject of questions about the grand scheme of things, here are a few more to ponder, in no particular order –

  1. If you’re trying to raise awareness for breast cancer, why not sell pink bras?  Surely the “target audience” for your message will be the same people who still need a bra. 
  2. Why is it that women’s clothing never seems to have pockets?  We carry more stuff than most men, including their crap, yet have less places to put it.
  3. While we’re on the subject of women’s clothing, let’s talk about women’s winter clothing.  Men get nice warm winter clothing – things like flannel, wool, polyfleece.  What do we get?  Some loosely knit sweater that’s “fashionable” and a thin, clingy pair of pants.  And we still don’t have any d@%% pockets!
  4. Let’s talk about women’s summer clothing too.  What do we get, in a place where the summer time tempratures routinely exceed 100 degrees Farenheit?  Dark colored, synthetic fabric suits and panty hose.  What %^$# moron thought that was good idea?  You may as well seal yourself up in a zip-loc bag. 
  5. Doesn’t the fact that Lance Armstrong has his ummm-hmmm’s removed mean he’s had unfair advantage in bicycle racing (e.g. pressure from those tiny racing seats)?
  6. Why do men, who never carry a purse, always want us to put all of their crap in our purse?  Shouldn’t we make them get their own?  I mean, what else are fanny packs good for?  Worse still, once we’ve conviently stowed all their crap, like the good little pack mules we are, they make fun of us for carrying a big, honking purse.  Go Figure!
  7. About that stupid mammogram – if men had to undergo a test where their ummm-hmmm’s were smashed flat and then photographed from two directions, you can bet your bottom dollar they’d find a new way to do the test. 
  8. One upside about being female – if you ever want to change the subject suddenly, end an uncomfortable conversation, or just get a day off work (provided the other participant is male), just mention something associated with your period.  The more graphic the better.  If you really want to do this right, just mention it and then sprint for the ladies room.  My observation is that a man who can nearly sever his thumb with a band saw and then insist he doesn’t need to go to the emergency room, will at the merest mention of your period, get pale and nearly collapse. 
  9. While we’re on the subject of men, does anyone have a reason why a man who will buy condoms won’t buy a box of tampons?  Surely any sensible person knows that sooner or later, if you need one, you’re gonna need the other.  Unless, of course, what you snuggle up doesn’t have a cycle. 
  10. Why are the most macho of men drawn to the gayest sport around?  I know you know what I mean – football. Seriously, what could be gayer than 22 guys in spandex pants, smacking each other on the butt, tackling each other and then showering together afterward?
  11. Why is it that men, who think football isn’t gay, think that ballet is gay?   Football involves 22 guys tackling each other and smacking each other on the butt.  Ballet is one guy dancing with a lot of women. 
  12. Why is it that men complain bitterly about having to go see a “chick flick” but they’re perfectly content to sit in front of the TV and watch other men drive around in a circle (NASCAR)?
  13. Why is it that the stupidest people end up on TV?  American’s Funniest Videos, Jerry Springer, I Shouldn’t Be Alive, Survivor, American Idol, Big Brother…  The list goes on for ever.  It seems if you’re a really gianormous dumba$$ your odds of getting on TV go up exponentially.
  14. Why are we buying oil from the middle eastern countries who sponsor terrorists?  One of the basic rules of warfare is that you do not fund those you are fighting.  DUH!
  15. Why on earth would you put braille on a drive-thru menu???
  16. Why in the world do they think it’s a good idea to give the blindest people around the most difficult thing in the world to find?  You know what I’m talking about….the contact lens.  You drop that thing and, if you are like me, you need another pair of contacts to find the one you just dropped. 

Just a few of my questions for the universe.


9 thoughts on “Weird Questions for the Universe….

  1. Hmm. I’ll take a stab at answering your questions.1) Pink bra’s, eh? I know women who don’t like it unless their underwear matches so… pink panties would be needed too.2) I’m a guy so I really can’t say. Perhaps it’s a fashion thing?3) In my experience, you women steal us men’s clothing and your clothing manufacturers are probably aware of this phenomenon. But just in case that’s not the reason, perhaps it’s unique to Texas. Here, in the UK, you women seem to have nice, warm trousers and jumpers and such (yet you still steal ours!).4) Ahh… a question I am biologically qualified to answer. In my experience, the bike saddle has most contact with one’s butt and one’s groin but has negligable contact with one’s “ummm-hmmm’s”. Having them removed *may* have aided in minimising the overall drag effect, though.5) Hmm… I’ve not witnessed this in the UK. I agree, though. People should carry their own things or not take that stuff along with them in the first place.6) I’ll have you know our “ummm-hmmm’s” get abused enough on a regular basis without the need for a machine to join in and *photograph* it too.7) It’s true, we’re scared of periods.8) It’s probably linked to our fear of periods.9) What could be gayer? The same 22 guys in the showers, afterwards. :/10) Not *all* men do, tyvm. NASCAR’s boring, too.Hope I helped on your quest for enlightenment.Keep up the excellent blogging. You’re very witty and I enjoy reading what you have to say. :)- Richard

  2. Just to append to my now out-of-sync answers:4) Here, in the summer, you women tend to not wear very much at all. Usually shorts or some light-coloured, short-legged trousers and on top, some thin, revealing, strappy number which, if a man were to look at it (such as it is), would probably result in a sexual harrassment lawsuit.12) I suspect this is largely due to the target audience. Afterall, it’s not call the ‘idiot box’ for nothing.

  3. 1.) No clue2.) I grew up around mostly women my entire life and one thing I’ve noticed is that they carry around HUGE purses therefore pockets are unnecessary6.) Hhmm grew up all aroudn all women I still have yet to ask a woman to carry anything in her purse for me and no I don’t own a purse8.) No man wants to hear about feminine hygiene oddly enough even a lot of women don’t want to hear about it9.) Having grown up with an insane amount of women I still can’t figure out this one its not like anyone thought I was going to use the pads/tampons when I bought them for my female family members10.) I agree I consider myself a high testosterone male but I never got into football or wrestling for that matter and where my parents immigrated from american football is considered wildly homosexual my grandfather laughs his ass off when he sees an American football game on tv11.) Nascar sucks Nascar is not a sport f*** nascar just had to get that out ditto for lifetime tv if I have to watch one more “I’m taking revenge for being beaten by my husband flick” when I go to my mothers house I’ll puke12.) I’ve actually thought about this before two reasons; First because people like to laugh at the misfortune/mistakes of others (if someone trips and falls people still laugh no matter how old they are) and second it makes people feel that their lives aren’t so completely f***** up its amazing how many times I’ve seen someone watching jerry springer say “damn I thought my life was f***** up”

  4. I know women’ve got it rough. I’ve lived in a house full of women my entire life. Just me, my mom, and my two sisters. I consider it an advantage knowing the things I do and being comfortable talking about most of those things.The only reason talking about a period bothers me is because I have never gone through it myself and I don’t know how all of it feels, except for what I’ve gathered from watching women go through them time and time again. Even that doesn’t bother me much though.Kind of reminds me of a time when I bought some midol for my girlfriend and she was absolutely amazed that I wasn’t embarassed to buy it.Brian

  5. I disagree with number 4. Men have to wear at least slacks and a button down long sleeved shirt in the summer for work. Women on the other hand can wear short skirts and a tank top and still be considered ‘professionally dressed’. So i think women have it a little cooler in the summer . BTW Who are you? =P

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