My Immigration Bill

Everyone else seems to be taking a stab at this, so I thought I would
too.  Here’s my version of immigration reform.  I’ve based my bill on
few premises.  First off, I don’t think that you should be allowed to
draw against a system you don’t pay to support.  If you aren’t paying
taxes, you aren’t entitled to things that those taxes go to fund. 
Secondly, we should treat immigrants to our country more like they
treat people trying to immigrate to their country.  Oh, and my idea of
prison sentences are mandatory prison sentences without the option of
parole or time off for good behavior.  I just haven’t decided how to
secure our coast lines.

Keep in mind while reading this, I have strong feelings about a few
things.  One – charity begins at home.  You take care of your own
before you start helping others.  Two – Everyone hates Americans.  They
only like us when they need us to pay for something and the rest of the
time, they hate our guts.  We don’t really care why, we’ve just
accepted it and now we’re ready to move on.  Three – This isn’t aimed
at latinos or whatever you’re calling yourself this week.  We have a
really long list of really bad things that we want to keep out of our
country.  That list includes invasive bugs, communicable diseses (think
SARS, Ebola, etc.),  ecologically destructive plants and animals,
drugs, white slavery, kiddie porn and terrorists.  It’s a lot bigger
issue than folks who want to come here to work. 

I’ve also seen workers with H-1B visas horribly abused.  I’ve seen them
told that their wife would be babysitting the boss’ kids if they wanted
to remain employed.  I’ve seen them told that their wife would be
cleaning the boss’ house, picking up his drycleaning, etc.  They are
basically treated as slaves and told that if they complain they can be
sent home.  Here’s a quote for you, “That’s fine if you don’t want to
do it.  We’ll send you home and I’ll get someone who will.”  That needs
to stop. 

  1. If at least one of your parents is not already
    an American citizen, being born here does not qualify you for American
  2. You must show proof of citizenship in order to purchase any item costing more than $1000.00
  3. You
    must show proof of citizenship in order to qualify for any publicly
    funded program, including but not limited to welfare, social security,
    food stamps, public health services or public education. 
  4. As
    a one time only act of amnesty, if you are here illegally, you have 30
    days to turn your self in.  Failure to comply will result in your
    immediate expulsion, be an automatically felony conviction, and will
    permanently bar you from re-entering the country or ever obtaining any
    type of visa or work permit.
  5. Once you turn yourself in you
    must pass a criminal background check both here an in your home
    country.  Anyone convicted of a crime more serious than a Class B
    misdemeanor in the USA is not eligible for citizenship.  If the crime
    involves any type of violence, you are not eligible for any type of
    visa or work permit. 
  6. If you are caught here illegally,
    you are now a felon.  The conviction should be automatic and should not
    require a trial.  The fact that you are here without a visa or
    citizenship is sufficient proof that you are guilty. 
  7. You
    will be required to perform enough work to pay for your housing, food,
    etc. while you are here and the cost of your transportation back to
    your home country.  If nothing else, we can give you a stick and put
    you on the side of the highway picking up trash. 
  8. Providing falsified documents to an illegal immigrant is punishable by a $100,000 fine and 20 years in jail per incident. 
  9. Obtaining
    falsified documents in order to remain in this country illegally is
    punishable by a $100,000 fine and 10 years in jail for a first offense
    with the fine and and jail time doubling for subsequent offence. 
  10. If you are imprisoned for any reason, your government will be billed for your stay in our prison system. 
  11. All
    immigrants should be subject to military law and military courts.  If
    it’s good enough for our service men and women, it’s good enough for
  12. Unless you are a citizen, the US Constitution
    doesn’t apply to you.  You have no Bill of Rights.  Again, you are
    subject to military law. 
  13. Any law enforcement personnel
    will be required to detain any one not able to provide a valid visa or
    proof of citizenship.  For example, a police man pulls someone over for
    having a tail light out.  In addition to license, insurance and
    registration, they should also ask for proof of citizenship or visa
  14. You must supply proof of citizenship or visa status in order to obtain a driver’s license or ID card.  
  15. All
    legal immigrants here on a temporary basis will be required to wear a
    bracelet which contains a transponder.  Removal of the bracelet or
    tampering with the bracelet is a felony punishable with a $100,000
    fine, 10 years in prison, and permanent expulsion from the country with
    any future visa/immigration status permanently blocked.
  16. Part of
    the visa application process shall require all immigrants to provide a
    DNA sample and fingerprints.  This way if you commit a crime while you
    are here, we are more likely to be able to prove it. 
  17. English
    is the official language.  All government business shall be conducted
    in English.  All forms, court proceeding, documents, publications,
    signs, etc. shall be conducted in English.  If you require translation,
    you must provide your own translator. 
  18. English is the
    official language. All public education, unless is for the express
    purpose of teaching another language, shall be conducted in English. 
  19. Any
    sign displayed in a public area shall be displayed in English with
    translation(s) into other languages below the English sign. 
  20. No flag of any other country shall be flown higher than the American flag. 
  21. If you are caught here on an expired visa, you shall be treated as any other illegal immigrant. 
  22. No tourist visas shall be provided to anyone who does not have return passage booked and paid for to their home country. 
  23. We
    need a mechanism to determine that the people who have entered on legal
    temporary visas (student visas, medical visas, tourist visas, etc.)
    have left the country on or before the date of the expiration of their
  24. We need a mechanism to round up the people who have remained past the expiration of their visa. 
  25. If
    you are here illegally and you have been using government services,
    such as but not limited to, public education, welfare, food stamps,
    social security benefits, disability benefits, etc., you shall repay
    the cost of the benefits you have received.  If you cannot make the
    payment in cash, you will be allowed to work off your debt.  Once
    again, if nothing else, we give you a stick and orange vest so you can
    go on trash detail.
  26. The border between the US and Mexico shall be sealed immediately as shall the border between the US and Canada. 
  27. Anyone caught attempting to cross the border at any place other than an authorized checkpoint shall be shot on sight. 
  28. Ten
    feet inside the US border, we will put out a “No Man’s Land” of a 25
    foot wide strip of crushed gravel that shall be a contrasting color to
    the surrounding land and vegetation.  The “No Man’s Land” shall be
    fenced of by an electrified fence no less than 10 feet high and topped
    with razor wire.  I think that makes the point that you really ought
    not to be in that area. 
  29. Immediately on the other side of
    the “No Man’s Land”, we will be putting in heat-seeking automated
    firing devices with overlapping fields of fire.  This reinforces the
    point above.
  30. We shall install geophone listening devices to
    detect anyone attempting to tunnel under the border.  Any attempts to
    tunnel under the border shall result in the firing of a “bunker buster”
    to destroy the tunnel.  No, we don’t have to wait until they get into
    US territory to do so.  The Mexican national police should handle it,
    but our experience has been that they usually don’t. 
  31. Air
    traffic shall be closely monitored.  Any aircraft flying into the US
    shall be required to file a flight plan and land at an airport staffed
    with the appropriate customs and immigration officials.  Any aircraft
    attempting to land elsewhere, unless the result of an emergency, shall
    be deemed a rogue aircraft and any means necessary to prevent it from
    landing on American soil shall be taken.  The best assumption we can
    make to protect the 240 million Americans is that we are under attack
    by terrorists. 
  32. Any shipping company that ships a cargo
    container containing or that is later discovered to have contained live
    humans shall be permanently banned from any future deliveries at any US
  33. All cargo containers shall be scanned for sources
    of heat, radiation, and explosives.  Since they have to moved on those
    big cranes, just put the sensor equipment on the crane and don’t
    off-load anything that sets off an alarm until it can be verified by
    having the appropriate customs officers open the container to
    thoroughly examine the contents.  The emphasis here is on
  34. In order to immigrate to the US, you must
    pass a medical check.  We have enough people who want to come here that
    we can afford to be choosy.  Given that much of our health care is
    publically funded, you should at least be healthy when you get here. 
    What I  mean by this is that you don’t have AIDS, hepatitis, parasites,
    SARS, etc.  I don’t have room here to list out all the diseases, but
    you get the idea. 
  35. In order to immigrate to the US,
    you must take a job making at least $30,000 per year or $14/hr.  That’s
    pretty low and if you tie this into my welfare reform, we should plenty
    of workers to take care of things like mowing lawns, trimming hedges,
    swabing toilets, etc. 
  36. Anyone who can pass the background check, the medical check, and the job check gets to come here as a guest worker.
  37. Guest workers are subject to the normal taxes that must be paid.
  38. The guest worker can go home at the end of 5 years or they can apply for permanent resident status. 
  39. Since
    the immigration process is now streamlined, we’ll be doing away with
    the political assylum.  We’re very sorry that where you’re from sucks. 
    Guess what – where we’re from sucked too until we decided to do
    something about it. 
  40. Anyone coming into the country
    for any reason will be required to pass a background check.  If there
    are any fees for this, the person seeking the visa will be required to
    pay them. 
  41. Any goverment caught providing false
    information to allow otherwise ineligible people to enter the US will
    immediately have all diplomatic and econimic ties with the US severed. 
    No imports from nor exports to that country will be allowed.  All
    assets held by that country in the US will be frozen.  All US assets in
    that country will be withdrawn immeidately.  We reserve the right to
    roll up on you like we did Iraq.
  42. Work visas are no longer tied to a specific employer.  If you
    change employers you have 6 months to find a new job or you go home. 
  43. Unless you are citizen or permanent resident, you are not entitled to unemployment benefits. 
  44. If you are a permanent resident, we will pay your unemployment benefits but will bill your home country for them. 
  45. Failure for the home country to pay for services rendered to
    their citizens, unless disputed on the basis of citizenship (e.g. we
    bill Brazil for someone who’s really from Argentina), will result in
    asset freeze and/or forfiture sufficient to cover the expenses plus any
    necessary legal proceedings, court fees, etc. 

2 thoughts on “My Immigration Bill

  1. A lot of that seems extreme, in my opinion. I understand that they’re taking our money, jobs, etc., but I still think that at least half of these laws are a bit too strict.Brian

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