Everyone else seems to be taking a stab at this, so I thought I would
too. Here’s my version of immigration reform. I’ve based my bill on
few premises. First off, I don’t think that you should be allowed to
draw against a system you don’t pay to support. If you aren’t paying
taxes, you aren’t entitled to things that those taxes go to fund.
Secondly, we should treat immigrants to our country more like they
treat people trying to immigrate to their country. Oh, and my idea of
prison sentences are mandatory prison sentences without the option of
parole or time off for good behavior. I just haven’t decided how to
secure our coast lines.
Keep in mind while reading this, I have strong feelings about a few
things. One – charity begins at home. You take care of your own
before you start helping others. Two – Everyone hates Americans. They
only like us when they need us to pay for something and the rest of the
time, they hate our guts. We don’t really care why, we’ve just
accepted it and now we’re ready to move on. Three – This isn’t aimed
at latinos or whatever you’re calling yourself this week. We have a
really long list of really bad things that we want to keep out of our
country. That list includes invasive bugs, communicable diseses (think
SARS, Ebola, etc.), ecologically destructive plants and animals,
drugs, white slavery, kiddie porn and terrorists. It’s a lot bigger
issue than folks who want to come here to work.
I’ve also seen workers with H-1B visas horribly abused. I’ve seen them
told that their wife would be babysitting the boss’ kids if they wanted
to remain employed. I’ve seen them told that their wife would be
cleaning the boss’ house, picking up his drycleaning, etc. They are
basically treated as slaves and told that if they complain they can be
sent home. Here’s a quote for you, “That’s fine if you don’t want to
do it. We’ll send you home and I’ll get someone who will.” That needs
- If at least one of your parents is not already
an American citizen, being born here does not qualify you for American
- You must show proof of citizenship in order to purchase any item costing more than $1000.00
must show proof of citizenship in order to qualify for any publicly
funded program, including but not limited to welfare, social security,
food stamps, public health services or public education.
a one time only act of amnesty, if you are here illegally, you have 30
days to turn your self in. Failure to comply will result in your
immediate expulsion, be an automatically felony conviction, and will
permanently bar you from re-entering the country or ever obtaining any
type of visa or work permit.
- Once you turn yourself in you
must pass a criminal background check both here an in your home
country. Anyone convicted of a crime more serious than a Class B
misdemeanor in the USA is not eligible for citizenship. If the crime
involves any type of violence, you are not eligible for any type of
visa or work permit.
- If you are caught here illegally,
you are now a felon. The conviction should be automatic and should not
require a trial. The fact that you are here without a visa or
citizenship is sufficient proof that you are guilty.
will be required to perform enough work to pay for your housing, food,
etc. while you are here and the cost of your transportation back to
your home country. If nothing else, we can give you a stick and put
you on the side of the highway picking up trash.
- Providing falsified documents to an illegal immigrant is punishable by a $100,000 fine and 20 years in jail per incident.
falsified documents in order to remain in this country illegally is
punishable by a $100,000 fine and 10 years in jail for a first offense
with the fine and and jail time doubling for subsequent offence.
- If you are imprisoned for any reason, your government will be billed for your stay in our prison system.
immigrants should be subject to military law and military courts. If
it’s good enough for our service men and women, it’s good enough for
- Unless you are a citizen, the US Constitution
doesn’t apply to you. You have no Bill of Rights. Again, you are
subject to military law.
- Any law enforcement personnel
will be required to detain any one not able to provide a valid visa or
proof of citizenship. For example, a police man pulls someone over for
having a tail light out. In addition to license, insurance and
registration, they should also ask for proof of citizenship or visa
- You must supply proof of citizenship or visa status in order to obtain a driver’s license or ID card.
legal immigrants here on a temporary basis will be required to wear a
bracelet which contains a transponder. Removal of the bracelet or
tampering with the bracelet is a felony punishable with a $100,000
fine, 10 years in prison, and permanent expulsion from the country with
any future visa/immigration status permanently blocked.
- Part of
the visa application process shall require all immigrants to provide a
DNA sample and fingerprints. This way if you commit a crime while you
are here, we are more likely to be able to prove it.
is the official language. All government business shall be conducted
in English. All forms, court proceeding, documents, publications,
signs, etc. shall be conducted in English. If you require translation,
you must provide your own translator.
- English is the
official language. All public education, unless is for the express
purpose of teaching another language, shall be conducted in English.
sign displayed in a public area shall be displayed in English with
translation(s) into other languages below the English sign.
- No flag of any other country shall be flown higher than the American flag.
- If you are caught here on an expired visa, you shall be treated as any other illegal immigrant.
- No tourist visas shall be provided to anyone who does not have return passage booked and paid for to their home country.
need a mechanism to determine that the people who have entered on legal
temporary visas (student visas, medical visas, tourist visas, etc.)
have left the country on or before the date of the expiration of their
- We need a mechanism to round up the people who have remained past the expiration of their visa.
you are here illegally and you have been using government services,
such as but not limited to, public education, welfare, food stamps,
social security benefits, disability benefits, etc., you shall repay
the cost of the benefits you have received. If you cannot make the
payment in cash, you will be allowed to work off your debt. Once
again, if nothing else, we give you a stick and orange vest so you can
go on trash detail.
- The border between the US and Mexico shall be sealed immediately as shall the border between the US and Canada.
- Anyone caught attempting to cross the border at any place other than an authorized checkpoint shall be shot on sight.
feet inside the US border, we will put out a “No Man’s Land” of a 25
foot wide strip of crushed gravel that shall be a contrasting color to
the surrounding land and vegetation. The “No Man’s Land” shall be
fenced of by an electrified fence no less than 10 feet high and topped
with razor wire. I think that makes the point that you really ought
not to be in that area.
- Immediately on the other side of
the “No Man’s Land”, we will be putting in heat-seeking automated
firing devices with overlapping fields of fire. This reinforces the
- We shall install geophone listening devices to
detect anyone attempting to tunnel under the border. Any attempts to
tunnel under the border shall result in the firing of a “bunker buster”
to destroy the tunnel. No, we don’t have to wait until they get into
US territory to do so. The Mexican national police should handle it,
but our experience has been that they usually don’t.
traffic shall be closely monitored. Any aircraft flying into the US
shall be required to file a flight plan and land at an airport staffed
with the appropriate customs and immigration officials. Any aircraft
attempting to land elsewhere, unless the result of an emergency, shall
be deemed a rogue aircraft and any means necessary to prevent it from
landing on American soil shall be taken. The best assumption we can
make to protect the 240 million Americans is that we are under attack
- Any shipping company that ships a cargo
container containing or that is later discovered to have contained live
humans shall be permanently banned from any future deliveries at any US
- All cargo containers shall be scanned for sources
of heat, radiation, and explosives. Since they have to moved on those
big cranes, just put the sensor equipment on the crane and don’t
off-load anything that sets off an alarm until it can be verified by
having the appropriate customs officers open the container to
thoroughly examine the contents. The emphasis here is on
- In order to immigrate to the US, you must
pass a medical check. We have enough people who want to come here that
we can afford to be choosy. Given that much of our health care is
publically funded, you should at least be healthy when you get here.
What I mean by this is that you don’t have AIDS, hepatitis, parasites,
SARS, etc. I don’t have room here to list out all the diseases, but
you get the idea.
- In order to immigrate to the US,
you must take a job making at least $30,000 per year or $14/hr. That’s
pretty low and if you tie this into my welfare reform, we should plenty
of workers to take care of things like mowing lawns, trimming hedges,
swabing toilets, etc.
- Anyone who can pass the background check, the medical check, and the job check gets to come here as a guest worker.
- Guest workers are subject to the normal taxes that must be paid.
- The guest worker can go home at the end of 5 years or they can apply for permanent resident status.
the immigration process is now streamlined, we’ll be doing away with
the political assylum. We’re very sorry that where you’re from sucks.
Guess what – where we’re from sucked too until we decided to do
something about it.
- Anyone coming into the country
for any reason will be required to pass a background check. If there
are any fees for this, the person seeking the visa will be required to
- Any goverment caught providing false
information to allow otherwise ineligible people to enter the US will
immediately have all diplomatic and econimic ties with the US severed.
No imports from nor exports to that country will be allowed. All
assets held by that country in the US will be frozen. All US assets in
that country will be withdrawn immeidately. We reserve the right to
roll up on you like we did Iraq.
- Work visas are no longer tied to a specific employer. If you
change employers you have 6 months to find a new job or you go home.
- Unless you are citizen or permanent resident, you are not entitled to unemployment benefits.
- If you are a permanent resident, we will pay your unemployment benefits but will bill your home country for them.
- Failure for the home country to pay for services rendered to
their citizens, unless disputed on the basis of citizenship (e.g. we
bill Brazil for someone who’s really from Argentina), will result in
asset freeze and/or forfiture sufficient to cover the expenses plus any
necessary legal proceedings, court fees, etc.