You are too damn fat if:
- You have to turn sideways to get down the aisle at Wal-Mart.
- You need an electric scooter because walking is too much effort.
- The elevator sounds an “overweight warning” when you get on.
- Your car tilts to one side (your side) and especially if it still tilts even after you get out on level ground.
- You can’t get through a revolving door.
- You think body butter is something that accumulates in your butt crack.