Men – The Aliens Among Us

You gals know instinctively what I’m talking about here.  They look like us, they walk like us, and they talk like us but they’re not us.   They don’t think like us at all.  For example, I had a coworker who was “trapped” by his wife into admitting that he hadn’t noticed her new hair do.  While this isn’t a major sin, I guarantee that all of his wife’s girlfriends noticed.  Next week, half of them will have gone and done something similar just to have something to talk about me.  Men on the other hand are content to wear the same underwear for a whole week. 

Men and women also don’t shop the same.  A man goes to the store, knowing exactly what he wants.  He may wander about a bit, but that’s because he’s looking for his particular item.  He also usually will not take anyone with him.  It’s more “going to the store” than shopping and there’s no social component at all.  A woman will go to the store with her friends as something of a social event.  We shop, we talk, and we may or may not buy something.  Usually, we end up finding something we want and it comes home with us.

You may recall my earlier post on gender specific bathroom habits. Well that has a lot to do with yet another way in which they’re not like us.  I’ve been told that men do not look at or speak to each other in the restroom and since the source is my husband so I’ll take his word for it.  Women will speak to each other, even women we don’t know, in the bathroom.  Unsolicited assistance with difficult clothing items is also not unusual, even from women you don’t know. 

Let’s talk about taste for a moment.  Seriously, do any of you know a woman who would pay lots of money to have this stuff in their living room?  Yet, I know of several men who would gladly cart such things home in an instant, if they thought their wife would let them have it.  Frankly, it rates right up there with the semi-naked tool girl calendars and the beer mirrors.  Did you guys learn nothing from your dorm rooms?  Model cars are *not* home decor items. 

Let’s discuss directions for a moment.  Men don’t like asking for help in general, much less asking for help from a stranger.  Directions fall into the “asking for help” category.  Women will usually stop and ask for directions at the drop of a hat.  Men on the other hand will need to be 1) bleeding to death, 2) having a heart attack, 3) about to have a digestive-system “blow out” or 4) approaching death by thirst and/or starvation before they will stop the car for any reason, much less directions.  We however, will see a sign on the side of the road that says “World’s Largest Chipmunk”.  Now this means that we must immediately pull over and observe this wonder of nature. 

While most of my site is “G” rated or at least “PG”, we’re going to discuss intimate male-female relations.  You have been warned.  Foreplay for a man is three minutes driving back from the 7-11 with a Slurpee and Big Bite.  Foreplay for a woman is 45 minutes of “snuggle time”.  Afterglow for a man is flipping on football, passing gas, and rolling over.  Afterglow for a woman is another 45 minutes of “snuggle time”.  Men want to finish up so that they can get back to their football game.  Women want to take their time and be held.   Funny, if more of you guys would clue in, less of you would be sleeping on the sofa.

Now lets talk about bathroom cabinets.  Men, you probably  have a razor, some asprin, some shaving cream, some cologne, your toothbrush, some toothpaste, and, if you’re a very good boy, your dental floss.  If you’re single, there’s a box of condoms.  Women, you probably have a couple of soaps, some facial cleanser, some toner, some moisturizer, about 100 kinds of blush, lipstick, and eye shadow, mascara, at least 3 shades of foundation, two kinds of powder, and at least two bottles of perfume.  That doesn’t include the shampoo, conditioner, hairspray, gel, mousse, as well as the various rubberbands, barettes, combs, clips, etc. 

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2 thoughts on “Men – The Aliens Among Us

  1. About the bathroom thing…Nine times out of ten, women will be in separate stalls when they are using the restroom. Guys typically use urinals which do not each come with a stall… it’s odd to have someone talking to you when you have to keep thinking “are they looking at my…?” Also, men just generally are not as friendly or as social as women. I don’t know why, but we’re usually not.Brian

  2. 1) The underwear thing – I could try and offer a number of excuses as to why this is, ranging from “We’re underwear-efficient” to “We’re just trying to keep the laundry load to a minimum” but we all know I’d just be clutching at straws. The truth is that I have *no idea* why some men do this and, to be honest, I don’t really want to know, either.2) Shopping – You’re right. Shopping for us is more of an inconvenience. There is absolutely no social aspect to it whatsoever and we generally find it utterly dull if we’re in a shop without a purchase objective in mind. I think it probably comes from when we were younger and our mothers paraded us around many, many stores clothes shopping. We would much rather have been running around with our friends, brandishing flimsy sticks for use against the invisible alien invaders who were here to suck out our brains with straws. Ahhh, good times …3) The little hacker’s room – Oh, no. You NEVER EVER, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES talk to another guy while he’s doing his … business. Under *certain* conditions, however, it’s ok to talk to him while you’re both washing your hands. Think of it as Urinal Etiquette.4) The dodgy furniture – Personally, I wouldn’t have any of that furniture in *my* home. It’s just ugly and tacky.In all fairness, it’s not like you women don’t have your quirks. 😛

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