God is *NOT* A Woman

All
the feminists can say God is a woman if they want to, but I’m not
buying it. Average life span for a woman is years longer than man’s but
so what. Look at what we get saddled with in exchange. Since the
average age to start is 12 and the average age for menopause is 51,
that means we spend more years cramping than not. I guarantee you that no all powerful female deity thought this
up.

You want further proof – ok, childbirth.
No female all-powerful deity would have created our current system. You
women, you have a clue. Men, go to the supermarket and buy the biggest
watermelon you can find. Since you men are so fond of duct tape, go
find your roll. Duct tape the watermelon to your belly and wear it 24 x 7
for 9 months. If it starts getting mushy, go get another watermelon.  Rinse and repeat until your 9 months are up.  I have no idea how to simulate the loss of balance or the softening bones that pregnancy brings.  If anyone has ideas that don’t do permanent harm, post away.  I’ll gladly add it to this. 

Now
for the second part – the discomforts of pregnancy. Find someone,
preferably someone who doesn’t like you, and arrange for them to kick
you in the nuts once a day. This will substitute nicely for the extra
painful (fill in the body part ‘o the day). It doesn’t matter what you guys think about how “radiant” or “glowing” we are, we feel like hammered sh!% and something somewhere hurts. 

Now go out in to the garage
and find that 5 HP air compressor that you just HAD to have even though
the most important thing you’ve aired up in past year is some kid’s
soccer ball. Shove the air hose up your butt and fire up the
compressor. Now you’re beginning to get an idea of the digestive
discomforts of the “expectant mother”.  While you’re doing that, make sure that you put some Tabasco on the air hose to simulate the hemorrhoids that come with pregnancy. 

Phase 3 mood swings and
other lovely things – Find a local vet and go there once a day. Make
sure they use the largest needle they can find, or special order
something just for you, when they do this to simulate all the crap that
the OB/GYN does. Have them shoot you up with some random hormone every
day for 9 months. It doesn’t matter which one and for the most
realistic effect, there shouldn’t be any pattern to it.

Now, have your best buddy be sure to take the car and run over your feet at least once a week.  I’d try to make sure that you know someone that drives a mini-cooper.  This should simulate the swelling and pain in the feet that go with pregnancy nicely.  I can guarantee that you guys will be hunting the ice packs, foot baths, and pedicures.  You’ll find out why we go to the nail place and pay them $25 to pamper us because you’ll be in the next chair over. 

While you’re at it, you need to get over being shy.  Here’s how you do it.  First off, get one of those hosptial gowns.  You know the ones, your butt hangs out the back.  Ok, wear that to work every day for a week.  Take it home, wash it, put it on backward and wear that every day for the next week.  Just about the time you start getting comfortable with that, head to your local park.  Remove the gown and lie down on a picnic table.  Be sure that even the most casual passers-by have a good view of your “package”.  That’s a tiny taste of what labor and delivery is like. 

There are some things that I just can’t tell you how to simulate.  I mean, where in the world are you guys going to put one of these.  While I could make some suggestions, I seriously doubt that they’d be well received. 

Fact is, this is just about
the only way you men will ever find out what it’s like short of a head
injury and this isn’t about doing permanent damage to yourself

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3 thoughts on “God is *NOT* A Woman

  1. Hmmm, well, let me put it this way…I would rather have a baby than a kidney stone but then again, a kidney stone goes away after a short time, the kids will cause a life time of pain…

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